merepek malam

aku tak pernah tefikir yang aku berada di masa where,

semua orang yang ada dengan aku sayang aku

dan semua yang ada tu jugak adalah yang aku sayang

 aku berterima kasih yang teramat sangat pada NYA 

sbb xberhenti kasi aku hadiah orang2 yang baik.

dulu,

aku ingat kan diri, sentiasa

you will never have anyone in your life.
so stop hoping and just be who you are.

senang kata, i was once a permanent loser in shah alam from kinder garden till high school.

hanya ada beberapa yang mulia hati berkawan dengan aku sejujurnya aku.

mungkin shah alam bukan rezeki aku

ok jugak, sbb aku serabut dengan shah alam punya orang! hhaha.

jadi aku pindah

bangi,

nangis2 sampai ayah aku pesan

friends come and go, only few will follow
oklah, good answer, accepted.

aku sekolah .

sama- a big time loser jugak. cuma time ni aku dah start dont give a $%^& sangat.

mungkin sekolah,pun bukan rezeki aku.

as life move on, and these peeps aku dah start xjumpa dan xingat dah,aku tend to shape myself to became more me.

 aku start menjadi lebih positif,

lebih diri sendiri.

Sekarang,

aku dilimpahi dengan kawan2 yang tak berhenti ingatkan aku untuk jujur

yang don't want nothing other than being me,

Kau tau? 

kalau kau berkesempatan untuk ada kawan mcm ni, dont let go,

aku tak pernah tefikir, yang aku dekat sini.

mungkin betulah theory aku,
bila ramai orang xsuka kau

kau akan dapat yang baik sahaja afterwards
sbb kau dah tapis awal2

yang kau kenal, mosltly akan awesome.
insyallah

30113

3 1 2013

for the very first time, aku beranikan diri untuk tanya ayah aku apa yang aku azamkan

aku pun xpernah sangka sampai ke sini aku berfikir. mmg org kata umur aku ni kira normal la untuk.
but still, untuk orang mcm aku ?

somehow dulu aku pernah ada satu tanggapan busuk pasal ni : settle down.
so aku takut, untuk comitment mcm tu, aish takpalah

nak kena baik ngn mak lelaki
nak kena dengar kata
nak kena pandai masak
nak kena pandai kemas
finance lagi
rumah
kereta
kalau xda anak macam mana?
kalau xbahagia ke
dah cukup fun ke live in a life as single women?

and for that, aku tarik semua kata2 yang aku pernah berangan

aku seorang yang workaholic,  for something that i do, i must comit to whtever it is untill the
finishing line

tapi aku sucks dalam relationship

regardless dengan kawan, keluarga atau orang biasa.

its weird right? kau mampu menjadi sehebat yang kau sendiri x sangka dalam bergaul dengan orang yang kau xkenal langsung
but when it comes to someone that you love? mmg hancur

yeah, itu kira aku lah

so by thinking what if i am ? capai ke tak cita2 hidup aku?

macam mana aku nak kena attend to every family holiday ke
nak kena bergelak ketawa dengan sedara mara

sungguh aku cakap, mati kutu aku nti

lepastu aku fikir dan fikir lagi

dengan duitnye nak hidup mcm mana?

seolah2 kalau diletakan aku ni dengan dia, mmg budak2 lagi.tapi

our story is different.

aku xboleh mimpikan yang sesiapa yang bakal jadi suami aku untu bekerja dari 8-5
xboleh

aku xsama cerita yang selalu ada dekat dunia ni.

untuk aku dengan dia

aku susah- dia sama susah
aku senang - dia sama senang

aku xda duit-dia xda duit

kami mmg mengamalkan "Wang mata pencarian bersama"

sebab out of everyone di dunia ni, dia ja yang mampu membentuk tulang2 dia untuk sama dengan tulang2 aku

no games, no rules, just us being us.

jadi aku xboleh berangan mcm orang lain

atau untuk keluar statement  settle down

yeah indeed boleh, memutuskan status bujang ke kahwin

menutup offer kepada lelaki lelaki lain

tapi

our life never settle

and that is how we role.

awful truth

aku selalu di ingatkan untuk

menulis biar jujur
biar dikeji dek orang
biar dikata poyo mengunaakan bahasa2 mcmni
biar walau dikata salah cara penulisannya

menulis biar jujur.
cara menulis lama boleh dibendung

untuk hari ni

ini yang paling terjujur aku sampaikan

the awful truth

sebetulnya aku sangat mudah memutuskan rasa
rasa kasih terhadap orang
rasa marah terhadap orang

sangat2 mudah tanpa perlu aku siasat sahihnya

tapi bagi orang mcm aku

yang sedar sifat2 dalam diri

aku memilih untuk bertahan

selagi tak digangu
atau dirobek
aku akan bertahan

tapi untuk akhr tahun ni
aku rasa

dah. dah cukup lah

aku dah rasa penat menjadi si perempuan-yang-lagi-satu

yang akan jadi paling dibucu
yang paling dijadi bahan umpan
yang dinilai jauh beza dengan aku
kelakar semua ni

dia kata dia karib dekat semua tempat
tapi aku sendiri dia xkenal
dia sendiri aku xkenal

mula-mula aku kata mungkin aku

bertahan
jangan mudah buat keputusan

tapi, sikit2 dia ganggu

mula dia keji keji keji
sampai masa dia kata menyampah

dia persoalankan lagi hidup aku

aku tanya lagi dalam diri

kenapa ya? xsampai rasanya
mcm jasad dibumi akal hilang di langit


aku rasa
pemikiran kita adalah dua jalan lain

kau disana
aku disini

mungkin.

jadi aku dah yakin dengan keputusan ini

aku

memutuskan rasa.

JOINTS JOURNAL

EPISODE ONE : Introduction

dear journal

kita tak pernah tahu jodoh kita, jodoh dengan kawan, dengan keluarga jodoh dengan kekasih, jodoh la
jadi untuk ini, dah jadi jodoh kita ditakdirkan mengenali 6 orang yang berbeza.

meet us ; irfan, oren, naqib, izzaz dan aku - qis. tah macam mana kita semua dijodohkan untuk menjadi
kawan sampai la hari ini dan doakanlah untuk yang seterusnya.

bila kau dah xboleh lagi membuat keputusan sesuka hati dan mak ayah dah mula melepaskan kaki mereka
untuk bertanggungjawab atas kau, barulah sekeliling memberi tekanan yang kuat untuk setiap langkah kau

jadi kami, hidup macam biasa, dari pagi bangun pergi kerja dan sibuk sampai ke malam, hingga theres
12.00am where everything ends and life starts begin.

kadang2 hidup kami ada jugaklah kena kacau dengan mereka2 ni ; lini abul shafina azie, and every once in a while,
datang la seorang budak kecik yang x pernah berhenti untuk berusaha. aiman

kita tak pernah tefikir yang mungkin kita ni mcm direkod dan di sitkom kan, mungkin2. but hey, que sera que sera

untuk kali ni, cuba kita jadi pelakon untuk hidup kita, maybe theres something worth to share.

well thats for introduction. jumpa lagi, insyallah

aku x paham.

free time kau berlambak2, kena pulak dengan sekarang bulan hujan. kau boleh duduk rumah selimutkan badan dengan selesanya, tapi kau nak gak menyempit dekat tempat orang yang sangat la sibuk 

pluss : kau menyusahkan lagi

aku xpaham .

kawan kenal seberapa hari

bila orang tu baik, walaupun kau cume sempat kenal dia seberapa hari je. kau tetap rasa kehilangan . sebab kau tahu dan sangat2 tahu, yang dia seorang yang sangat baik.

orang baik, mmg susah kau nak cari - pasti

and aku, aku xboleh hilang lagi rasa hilang tu.

you are a great man, a great friend and a great person

you really really are.

walau pun masih aku cuma kenal kau seberapa hari

and knowing that you have return to where we belong, gives big impact in my heart.

walaupun kenal seberapa hari.

memikir kan kasih yang kau bagi pada semua orang, mcm x ternilai rasanya.

dan bila aku fikir lagi

kau sangatlah setia - lagi berkasih dengan paling ikhlas yang kau bagi.

jadi

untuk tahu yang kehilangan orang yang kita sayang dan berkasih yang sangat dalam

hilang macam tu,

memang sakit-penat-terkilan-dan yang pasti, kosong.

aku, xboleh bayang macam mana dia rasa. tapi aku jugak xboleh henti fikir macam mana dia

i guess losing people in life really really hurt.

nak lagi orang baik yang tak terkata mcm kau,

 and what hurt most is knowing death is just anywhere within seconds

dan kita ni x cukup semuanya untuk prepare.

yang betulnya, kau mmg memberi kesan dengan kebaikan kau. terima kasih kawan seberapa hari

kau ubah rasa aku. dengan ikhlas yang kau xjelaskan. kau ubah rasa aku.


al-fathihah.

yawl

"perasaan yang paling merugikan adalah perasaan yang xingin tahu"
i have that now
and it appears so many times too

im afraid, yet i feel the pleasure.


i dont know.

long loooongggggggg so called "writing"

its around 5am now, 18th may 2012. past mothers day, teachers day and as well my arwah mama's birthday. i've been wanted to write something for quite long but real life bugs me.

this past  2 weeks i have been busy rearrange my new printing shop. this mean, i have stop most of the things that i have plan to do. I'm sorry for that. somehow my connection with social world was coincidentally been cut off. i dont have my laptop because izzaz is using it for his finals, i gave my PC to sadiq (designer/my friend) at the shop so that he can do his work, my blackberry has been barred, and all i have is my sony ericson which 2days off. so yeah, i am anti-social.

but the eager of writing is really pushing itself to the limits. i did not know when i would have time to start writing. but today, god has answered it by let my brother leave my dad's laptop in my room, thank you.  again, coldplay-fix you set to repeat, and here it goes.

-hodoh lagi la writing aku. shit. tapa2, slow2

happy birthday mama

 mama,

(10th may 2012)

if you're still here, i may have blow candles and kiss you while saying "happy birthday and i really love you". but god loves you more and i accepted that. and so, if you can hear this, i would really want to tell you whats has been happening in my life, your sons and daughters life, and dad.

mama, i don't know how many times i have said this to you but kak jah is doing a great job on taking care of us. ayah decisions on choosing her to became his wife is one wised decision. even though it has been through really bad rocks along the way, but by gods will, we make it through of that. we also been gifted 2 brothers and 1 sister. they are so selfish,naughty and annoying but i love them with all my heart. we called them nazrul,naufal and nana. there's another one coming, and I'll pray that the baby is a gift too.

mama, i am 23 now and becoming more like you. I've realized that, ayah realized that and so as few people who know you realized that. my face start shaping like you, i talk as loud as you, lead like you, my passion on organizing, managing something and doing business also like you. in fact, ayah even  told me, i even as clumsy as you. I'm glad, because when god has taken you, it shape me to be you so when i miss you, i can always look at the mirror, and there was you. syukur alhamdulilah

along my crazy hectic life mama,i meet izzaz. u should meet him too mama. but if you're here, i think you wouldn't accept him at first. mama, just like you and dad, we've meet when i was studying my diploma in fine arts, and eventually he was in the same class with me. we are enemies at first, but i don't know, were ended together somehow. izzaz has been such a good guy to me.we've been through a lot of things together, were in love like normal teenager do, we share happiness, do crazy and stupid stuff and still rock the world. and alhamdullilah,with all the stupidity, we still make it through the end by taking our scroll as fine art students. izzaz was always there when i cried like a baby or mad like you. he just going to be there either be a walking sculpture or as a pillow. i hope that my relationship will lasted like you and dad. until my last breath. izzaz passion in photography is very deep, because of that, he continues his degree in photography. i didn't because i got an offer from one of ayah's project for one year contract. i really don't want to start on that, it just ruined the moment.then i work for few other several company and now with ayah's support, i started my own printing shop with abang,izzaz and izzaz brother; irfan. i hope that this shop will be a good start for me mama because i really want to do something that related to my passion, which is art.

mama, ayah is like a superman but in a real life. until today, i still cant figure out how he manage to survive and still acts like a dad and raised us. he's been through almost everything, after sorrow and pain loosing you, he's been lied from his friend, going through with financial issued,lied again,financial again,stress of work, quit, financial again. but all of that, still manage to raised 8 UN-describable human being. which technically, his kids. i am really thankful that god has put me to be his daughter and mama, i love him so much, and it hurts if one day i have to accept the fact that he will be with you too. I'll pray of his long -lasting life every time i could think of if. and everyday i think of it.

mama, if you're still here, you can call yourself as 'nenek'. 3 years ago, angah got married to a soft spoken woman name kak mira, and a year after that, abang is married to white petite name kak su. with gods willing, he has brought a gift to abang and kak su a cute chubby and cries a lot baby girl name nayli shazea.. angah and kak mira still haven't got any baby yet. but its okay, i will pray that one day they will. maybe god dosent what they have a baby now because angah is still studying his master. maybe he wanted him to be successful first then granted the gift. maybe, who would know. but we will always pray for the best for them. amin

you must wanted to know hows achik and dyna right? they are doing fine. they growing so fast even i didn't even realized it. achik is now waiting to further his diploma and dyna is just reached high-school.i promise to you that i will try my best taking care of them even if the say the don't need it too. i wish you could see how they look like now. sometime they can be a really pain in my butt due to their ignorance skills. what can i do, it just runs in the blood. i love them. i love all of them. and i know as much as i really miss you, i think they also would felt the same.  we starts our life back again with pretty hard edge but somehow, we manage to live still.

so mama, every year on the 10th may i will always want to write you a letter. weather in hand writing and i kept it in my book or in here, my blog. i pray for you every time i miss you, every time i think of you, every time i did something. just every time in my episodes of life.and every 10th may is a new steps for me. a steps to take my self closer to god. Allah S. W. T

and in 10th may, we will individually remembers is your birthday, we cherish by hearts, pray and for a moment, we think you're still here. i think .


goodbye mama, i love you.


kakak-

what happen 1

to be truth, i haven't read a lot these past month, my writings is getting worst and I've just realize when i get the interview for PR in UiTM. I am trying my best on writing in English only.  lets start, bismilah

My life starts buzzing back again the second i decided to resign at Salz-Terachi, making decision on leaving shah alam and starts to play safe back again in bangi was one of my best decision that i have. i start work back again on January second at Meatech College as Student Recruitment Officer.

My job is to get the best marketing strategies and get as many students that i can.  i was paired up with my friend, aliff ashraf. i need to warn you, convincing people to enter college that was not that known to public is really hard! I have try most of the things that pop in through my brain. I tried calling and making appointments with teachers. Calling all spm canidates from the list that  got from my boss, go to PLKN and do some talks. none of that works

I got a big fight with my friend after PLKN Roadshow when he just bailed out from his work just like that. It was stress, hectic and full of hate. I cant even hear his voice and not even see his face. No further on that, whats passed is passed, i moving on and continue my work. After one month there, my boss introduce me to a new guy, Kamri@Kamarudin. She brief me that he has years of experience in marketing and he will teach me on how to do better at my job. And so, i meet Kamri@Kamaruddin.

Its true, En.Kamri really good on what his doing. He has this full dedication and enthusiasm on his work. Very discipline and punctual. Working with him had sharpen up my management skill and task. I've learn that i cant be second late at any process of work. If i delay on one steps, he will be 2 steps faster. In order to be at the same steps as him, i need to work faster,harder and as well smarter. Through all his plans, i promise you, those ideas, were never will even swims in my brain.

as human, he also has this package of weakness, corruption in the company disappoint him. i agree on that, but not agreeing on the next action that he did. on third week of April, he also run away from the job, just like that. Its like breaking up with two guys on the same situation. Again, i was stressed up by the pressure giving from my boss.because of that, i set up a new principal on life ; never run away,please confront and bite the pain.

to be continue. (my dad need the extension plug. i need to shut down my computer now)


3.52am-1st May 2012